Friday, December 11, 2009

poem written Wed., November 25, 2009. 3:44pm. 2 weeks, 4 days.


I will pour out my grief
Let no one restrain me
I will not be held back from mourning
Til it be spent.

My sorrows cannot be numbered
My mourning is measureless
It goes deeper than the deepest ocean
Deeper than its deepest trough

I seek out any words of comfort
Yes, and any listening ear
Like bread crumbs to a starving man
Like water in the desert

Two years ago, I was alone;
Nelson-less, yet not desolate.
But he filled up every crevice of my heart
My love for him to the marrow of my bones

All food tastes like salt to me
And sugar is cloyingly sweet.
I eat that I too do not perish,
For my love would not have it thus for me.

He was my strong support
He held me up with his strength
How could his strength fail him?
I fell like a puppet without strings

He was my strong support
And I hoped to bear his children
Lovely curly-haired children
With the stamp of his features

His features were lovely to me
I cold gaze on them all day long
I was happy watching him sleep
With his hands in violin pose

We hoped we would grow old together
And would see our children's children
But now you have gone before me
Into bliss, but leaving me desolate


You now stand before God with the saints,
And your lovely voice joins their chorus
Teach us to number our days
We do not know the road before us

Stop all your idiot laughter
Let all foolish babbling cease
I would rather talk to my Nelson
He's at peace now, while I'm in pieces

No noisy neighbor will trouble you now
No wretched traffic, or cellist, or anything more
As you wished, all things of God are clear now
As you worship God in his glory


We had both hoped to wear wedding crowns
And they buried my heart
Putting you in the ground
You are now past all care;
As for me, I would wear
Widow's weeds. I have none.
My clothes all have colors
And I have no funds
To clothe myself all in funereal black.
My heart wears them, however,
The whole world screams your lack.
You are with God forever
I'm without you for now--
But how long? How long?
I don't know how--
There's a future without you
That I cannot see
All my tomorrows
Are darkness to me
And today--it's all grey--
Stupid coworkers laughing
Must you laugh? Go away!
Unless you'd be with me
In my darkest hour--
Small bits of empathy
Seeing me through
And whenever that darkness
Threatens to devour,
I hear you say, "Stop. Don't do this.
Don't torture yourself.
I know that you love me
And you will get through this."


My whole road's dim before me,
My eyes do not see
My world is in darkness
I don't know what's in store for me.
The future I'd hoped for, the love of my life
Is buried, gone from me; I am never his wife.

I complain of injustice; I'd tear out my hair,
Wear sackcloth and ashes, give the neighbors a scare;
I would wail out my sorrows in loud ululations
Cut my skin, rend my garments and weep, loudly vent my frustration
Scrape myself with a potsherd; he would still not be there--
I'd give him to another, if that kept him alive--

Come back to me, love! Let's argue! Let's fight!
Your presence is near, close and comforting--yet silent
Your silence is deafening; you were never so quiet--
I want you in the flesh! Why are you not here?
I am writhing, while writing; my desire goes nowhere--
By your grave, it's despised. How am I still breathing
While you're not alive?


Why were there not more hours?
Why our measure of days
Was cut short so early
Leaves me lost and amazed.
I am tired and surly
I'm in pain, and confused
So much of my soul
Was buried with you
And what's left of me here
Is bruised, torn, and abused.

Will there be an end to my sorrow?
I will see this thing through to the end
Let no one try to stop me from mourning
You, love of my life, my best friend.

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